There will be no epilogue
by NeverConformEver
Summary: Trigger Warning: Double/Assisted Suicide. Modern day AU. Ereri. This is my first fanfiction and so I have absolutely no idea what the hell I'm supposed to put here. The trigger warning should say it all.
1. Mask

White.

Is it vulnerability? Purity? The light at the end of the tunnel? Whatever it is, Eren hated it. Because no matter what form or metaphor it is attached to, the color white is always blank, always colorless. Always too delicate, too destructible, too insubstantial. Eren's world is white—untainted, bright, and empty.

Despite it all, he let out a happy laugh as he spun with his arms outstretched, palms catching as many snowflakes as he could, face upturned to face the sky and watch as the snowflakes spiraled down. The white tipped his eyelashes and brought out the red tint of his nose and cheeks. It landed on his palms and on the outstretched tips of his fingers and dissolved to slip through the gaps in his fingers as his unshed tears.

If Levi thought there was anything worth saving, it was Eren's smile.

_Idiot. You'll never catch snowflakes like that. They'll melt._

Levi sat on the swings nearby with his hands in his pockets, idly nudging the ground with his toe as he watched as Eren obliviously spun himself dizzy and land with a _thwump_ on the ground, a hopeless disarray of giggles and laughter.

But it was evident to Levi that it wasn't the warmth of Eren's skin that melted the snow. It was the sound of his laughter as he stared up at the sky, the soft, breathy chuckles sending warm, wispy puffs straight to that special place Levi could not name. Finally quieting down, Eren sat up and looked at Levi, the remnants of his laughter still in his eyes.

"Do you like the snow, Levi?"

Levi considered his answer as he watched the snow settle in a thin, dusty layer on Eren's always-messy chestnut hair, as they caught and weighed down the tips of his eyelashes, as they highlighted the red tint in his ears, as they brushed the shoulders of the jacket Levi had lent him because "Levi's jacket always feels warmer than mine!".

He scowled and looked away.

"Brat. You're going to catch cold. Put your gloves back on and let's go home."

Eren sighed and looked up once more at the sky, waiting for the ghosts of winter's touch to reach him. When the snow stung his cheeks, he closed his eyes and smiled, listening as Levi stood up and walked towards him, imagining that the rhythm of his footsteps was the same as the rhythm of his heart. Levi grabbed his hand and tugged him forward, and Eren fell in step beside him. Inside, his chest was an empty cavern, echoing and following _Levi, always Levi, always always Levi…_

After all, Eren's world is white. And the only reason why he had a heartbeat at all is because Levi brought to his world just the faintest tint of color.

* * *

He fought. And he fought _hard_. It didn't matter which way he turned, he was always being swallowed, dragged down, restrained by the roaring beast inside him. Darkness clung to his every move. It was pumped through his veins, networked across every train of thought, possessed him with every whim and thought.

Black.

Levi's world was never-ending darkness and blackness. It was trapped inside him, attached to him like hundred tonne weights. He had no way to release the tension, no way to express, no way to sort out or understand the swirling mass of messiness, blackness, _dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty-_

What does color bring? What is the green of envy, the blue of sadness, the red of anger, the deep violet of pain, the bright orange of surprise, the pink of embarrassment, the deep gold of pleasure, when it has nowhere to go?

It's black.

Whatever it is, Levi hated it. Levi's world is black, filled with too much for him to decipher, too much for his shoulders to bear, too much for his body to contain. Overwhelming to the point where black became the color for it all—for frustration, for bitterness, for rage. Levi's stoic mask is cold and emotionless because if he allowed it to crack he would be consumed in an unending inferno of emotions.

Yet there is one thing in this world that isn't tainted by darkness, that remains pure and untouched by the dirt and heavy soup of _too much too much it's too much too much_, one thing that reaches for him and pulls him up for air when he is drowning in a stew of _everything everything there's too much of everything_.

And that thing is Eren.

To Levi, Eren is a blinding whiteness that cleanses him and calms him. Eren effuses an exuberance that calms him and washes away the soot that clings to his insides. When Eren is there, he can see it all. The green of envy. The blue of sadness. The red of anger. The deep violet of pain. The pink of embarrassment. The deep gold of pleasure. Suddenly it all has a place to go, and that place is held clasped between their fingers, because everything he has, everything he is, is drawn to _Eren Eren Eren always, always Eren…_

Together, their world can flash with color.

If there is one thing Eren thought was worth living for, it's Levi's heart.

It surfaces randomly, quietly, and subtly. Like Levi, it doesn't show itself much. Sometimes it comes in the half-quirk of his lips, in the slight twitch of his fingers, in the nervous habit he has of tapping his desk. It comes out in the furrow of his brows, in the too-long showers, in the flash of his dark eyes.

For Eren, life is a vastness in which he floats aimlessly. Every which way he turns, there is a daunting emptiness. When Levi touches him, however, he can feel a current. He is pushed towards something, his fingers find that something at the other end of the lifeline is tugging, and as he follows it, as he follows Levi, he can faintly discern the silhouette of a blurry horizon. It blooms with every color imaginable and every color that is not. When he sees Levi, he can see that phantom horizon. He has been living in the muted unfeeling of whiteness for so long that his eyes are unable to understand everything he sees, but he tries. When Levi is there, Eren lives, just a little. When Levi is there, he generates a heartbeat. When Levi is there, Eren can wear his mask more convincingly.

Eren's mask is one of happiness and smiles because he is afraid that without it, the never ending whiteness will take over, and erase him.


	2. Forever

What is fate? What is destiny? Are they the same?

Eren had been destined to be erased. But fate led him to Levi.

Likewise, Levi had been destined to drown. But fate led him to Eren.

Eren is a single face among the many that swarm the halls of Shiganshina High. He is surrounded by those who like him for his disposition—bubbly, happy, and always smiling. Always giving laughs for free, always having a positive outlook, always determined to succeed. Eren is a fish in a school that swims towards a future.

_Do any of them know?_

In their colorful lives, Eren is there as a constant supply of bright pigment. Yellow, orange, neon pink, electric blue. He is an energizer that everyone goes to when their world starts to dim.

_How do they not know?_

The source of all their jubilant colors, the ones they arbitrarily borrow from Eren's presence… Eren has none. They feed from a mask, a substitute. He hides. Beneath his skin there is nothing but blankness. Nothingness. An empty supply that has nothing to offer yet is always giving what it does not have.

Smile. Laugh. Listen. Speak.

He is swept up in this school of fish. He wishes to do nothing but sink, but among those that feed off of him, he can do nothing. He is trapped in the swirl of their colors, and he gives everything he does not have. He has no way to ask for what he wants.

When he can no longer stand it, when he begins to falter and lose the mask, he leaves. One more empty smile to a passing teacher or friend, one more acknowledging yet dismissive wave to an acquaintance, and he is walking listlessly up a flight of stairs.

Levi does not exist. He does not swim against the current, with the current, or with the other students. He slips among shadows, sneering at those who glance his way, scowling at every comment, turning away from contact. His world is dark. It permeates the world around him. He has everything no one wants. None go near him, fearing that their lives would be tainted by black and grey and despair.

Levi's mask never falters. He is strong. But he walks past the stairwell regularly, because he has something to do, a task that belongs only to him.

When Eren disappears, Levi accompanies him. When Eren's smile begins to falter, Levi is there to salvage it, to whisk it away from its destiny as wreckage.

The roof is the wind plastering his shirt against his skin. It is the breeze combing through his hair. It's emptiness, nothingness. It is Eren's world, the world he hates, the world he despises. It's the only place where he can remove his mask. Without it, he reflects the sound of leaves skittering across the ground and the sun that refuses to warm his skin. He is blank. Expressionless.

When Levi arrives, his footsteps give Eren something to follow. His heartbeat returns. He looks at Levi and sees colors, but they do not trap him. They are hidden behind a stoic mask, and Eren can finally ask for what he wants.

"Levi, how was your day?"

"Levi, are you good at math?"

"Levi, will you come over today?"

"Levi, do you love me?"

He receives answers in varying tones of boredom. Levi's mask never cracks. But when Levi is there, Eren smiles. He smiles because it is the only way he can get close to Levi, the only way he can have a chance at glimpsing the tiny signals that surface. Levi appears, and Eren's world is no longer empty.

Sometimes, when Eren is reaching to open his locker, people see the scars on his wrist. Many refuse to believe what they see, others ignore what they see, and a few who envy Eren call him out on it.

Even when they corner him and litter him with blows, he stays silent and only gives an apologetic smile.

"It's okay." He tells them. He knows what they want.

"I don't mind. You're right." Some falter. Some grow angry.

But all see his smile, hear his words, and believe his ruse. They think him invincible, and when they go home that day, they remember the green eyed boy who smiled in the face of pain.

They get what they want. Somehow, their dim worlds glimpse an illusion of color.

Eren is always giving.

Levi stops them from taking too much. When he drives them off and they spit back words of venom, Levi helps Eren up and drives him home. He stays with him and takes care of him. They hold each other close and greedily bask in the other's warmth.

"Why?" One of them had asked.

_Why do I smile? _Eren wonders.

_Why do I fight? _Levi cannot answer.

He never stayed for an answer. He wouldn't have received one if he did.

_I don't know. _Eren thinks.

_I don't know. _Is the only answer Levi has.

When they look at one another and clasp hands once again, they can read the answer in each other's eyes.

_There is no reason. There's no point to any of it._

_After all, nothing good lasts forever._


	3. Silence

I don't know what to say. I don't know if there's anything I _can_ say.

* * *

_Eren is grateful for the shadows that shield him from Levi. But, as always, a part of him yearns, achingly, for the presence that he senses a few feet away. He feels bare and bold, yet frightened._

**_This is it,_**_ Eren thinks._

**_This is all that's left,_**_ Levi thinks._

The clock in the hall reads 7pm. When Levi steps inside, he is greeted by light blue walls and the smell of something that he assumes is dinner. The couch looks slightly deflated, as though it spent many winter nights cradling the warmth of someone's body and a pile of blankets, but it isn't old enough to have broken springs and lumpy cushions.

Comfortable.

There's a thin blanket tossed to the side, and a few textbooks scattered about. Behind the couch lies the dining table lit with dim, buttery light that falls from the opening into the kitchen. When he steps out from the shadows, Eren turns and grins, dimples flashing and eyes shining. For a second Levi can fool himself into thinking that a woman with laugh lines and crow's feet is standing beside him, a matching smile and spatula in her hand.

.

.

_Moonlight is filtering through a thin curtain over the window. Eren has his head tilted back, leaning into the corner behind his bed. If he strains his ears, Levi can hear the faint sound of crickets in the backyard and the sound of a light breeze passing by, mingling with Eren's trembling exhale. For a moment, he is afraid._

**_Not yet._**

_Eren is his world. _

**_Don't go_**_._

_He is motionless, his eyes are closed. Levi reaches a hand forward, terrified that when he brushes skin all his fingers will meet is air. _

**_It's happening._**

_Eren has already begun to fade._

* * *

Will you forgive me? Will you forgive yourself?

* * *

It's already almost 1am when she returns from her night shift at work. Mikasa lets the garage door slam behind her as she rushes in, blocking out the bitter winter cold. She huffs slightly when she sets her bag down by the door, and carefully unwraps her scarf before hanging it by the doorway. As she walks by her desk, she notices that the phone attached to the wall is blinking. She turns, and presses a button, listening as a mechanical voice tells her that she has one new message.

.

.

But it's only Eren. Eren and a sheepish smile as he scratches his head, Eren gesturing towards slightly charred vegetables and a pot of too-limp noodles that he must've overcooked. Levi sighs and removes his gloves to help. The small house is quiet except for their bright little corner, ringing with Eren's laughter and Levi's quiet chuckles. They end up cooking instant noodles and abandoning real dinner. Eren feels bad, but Levi doesn't mind. He pretends to act annoyed when Eren pokes his cheek with a chopstick, glaring half-heartedly at the brunette cheekily leaning against the kitchen counter, watching Levi clean the dishes. When he is finished, Eren is already halfway done with his noodles. He has lime & shrimp flavored, Levi has hot & spicy beef.

.

.

**_God, he is so beautiful._**

_Levi hasn't blinked in over a minute. Eren opens his eyes, and the spell is broken. The terror fades as another hand moves and reaches towards his. Their fingertips touch. Levi marvels at the satin texture of Eren's skin. Eren's eyes are wide with wonder, fingers curiously dipping below his collar. Levi can feel Eren's breath hitch, and he wonders what it is that Eren sees, wonders what he is thinking when that childlike expression is on his face, wonders at the fact that this is __**Eren**__ before him, and it is __**Eren**__'s fingers that are placed above his heart._

* * *

I place blame on no one but the God I never believed in.

* * *

It's eight o'clock when Eren teasingly leads Levi up the stairs and to his room. Unlike the rest of the small house, which is humbly but comfortably furbished and covered in calming, pastel colors, Eren's room is a catastrophe.

"Tch."

Levi sidesteps a random doodle on the ground, and surveys the room. An easel, a bucket of paintbrushes, a desk covered in stubbly pencils and eraser shavings, a corner filled with random pieces of scrap paper and more doodles, and a pile of unfinished paintings. The easel is set up so that it is half-turned towards the door, and a piece of white cloth covers it. He doesn't turn when Eren clicks off the lights and shuts the door behind him. He closes his eyes, and feels Eren's long fingers tangle with his, following the sound of his socked feet padding against the wooden floor and the tugging on his hand.

* * *

I'm sorry.

* * *

_Eren is searching, searching, searching… for something. He is being pushed, propelled towards it. Lead by a symphony of sighs and gasps—his? Or someone else's? He feels as though he is searching for someone in the endless, white landscape behind his eyelids. _

_He is blank._

_But, for once, he doesn't mind. He is waiting for a rainbow to burst over the glaringly white canvas, waiting for the enticing patterns and imprints to appear, bubbling up from his deepest desires and most coveted dreams, on his skin._

_._

_._

The machine beeps when the message finished. This is the fifth time Mikasa has listened to it. She knows she should call him, call Armin, do something. But the silence eats her, mocks her denial. She is numb. Unfeeling.

Confused.

_Why?_

* * *

I'm empty.

* * *

_Levi can feel his vision clearing. He can see clearly past the murkiness of the clouded emotions within him, and what he sees is so heartbreakingly beautiful that he begins to cry. For a moment, he pauses, and the boy beneath him only smiles demurely, and wipes the tears away._

_._

_._

Though he had just awoken no more than 15 seconds prior to the shrill ringing of his phone, Armin is sharp and awake. He knows that voice on the other end, but he has never heard it quite like this before. He recognizes the name on caller ID, and he is listening to the words that are pouring out thinly through his phone's speaker. He is moving, moving, thinking, thinking.

But nothing processes. Nothing matches up—except one explanation. One that he has never considered; one that never occurred to him before this moment. Inside, a sharp voice attempts to brush away the panic, justifying and debating, throwing theories with efficiency and frightening speed. It thunders around, bouncing off the corners of his mind, beating against his skull. But his intelligence has never met a harsher opponent. He cannot defeat his own rationality.

As is his curse, Armin knows. He didn't see it coming, but now that the pieces have fallen in place, ignorant of the voice and the girl falling apart on the other end of the line, he cannot deny it. The truth glares. The knowledge burns.

For once in his life, Armin regrets knowing.

* * *

I'm nothing… But you'll miss me anyway, won't you?

* * *

_It's inexplicable, past everything he thought it would be. _

**_Is this what it feels like to have a soul?_**

_Eren bites his lip, holding it in. Not yet. Not yet. He waits, still, fingers itching and grasping at the blankets. It is pain, it is pleasure, it is glory, it is so much of everything he had ever yearned for._

_Did he do it? Did he reach it?_

_Is this what he has been missing his whole life? Is this what it feels like… to live?_

_._

_._

It's 1:30 by the time Armin reaches the park. He is panting, wearing boots over pajama pants and a parka over an old t-shirt, hair wild, eyes wide. The babbling in his ears has long since stopped, but neither of them have hung up, still holding on to that thin, tremulous line of reassurance. He can see Mikasa standing a distance away, her cellphone at her side. The silence coming from his phone is deafening, and he finally snaps it closed. So, in the end, they both thought of the same thing, did they?

* * *

It's sad.

But I guess it's in human nature to mourn and grieve over nothing, isn't it?

* * *

Erwin has already been awake for three hours, when Hanji bursts in through his front door, a manic expression on her face. She pauses, then checks her watch. It is 2 in the morning.

"I see that you're already set! Haha, as if you'd forget that this was the day!"

_Haha, as if you'd forget that this was the day!_

_Haha, as if you'd forget that this was the day!_

_Haha, as if you'd forget that this was the day!_

Hanji may be filled with random factoids and gifted with unusual insight and powers of observation, but Erwin is the one who deduces. They have both known for a while that something wasn't quite right in the perfect little world that the rest of the town seemed intent on believing in. Erwin wishes he could let go of his sanity for a moment of reprieve or mercy, but alas, it was always in his nature to see things as they are.

Erwin Smith is powerless. Hanji Zoe is powerless. _He_ always felt powerless.

And finally, it killed him.

.

.

_They have time—is the illusion that they are acting under. But they savor the moment, and Levi waits as Eren's breath steadies, as Eren matches his shaky intakes with the smooth rise and fall of Levi's chest, as Eren marvels at the beat under his palms._

_._

_._

He is running again, feet frozen and ankles soaked from the snow. He runs so hard, eyes tearing, holding back the sounds in his throat, reaching for the confirmation he nevers want to face. But no matter how hard he tries, how much he pushes his legs, he knows it is always too late. By the time he reaches Mikasa's side, his cheeks are already blotchy. They stand on the curb, motionless. Neither wants to walk around the corner. On the brink, on the precipice, a few steps away from breaking. Neither wants to search.

But search, they must.

* * *

Save yourself.

* * *

_Soundless. Deafening. Everything within him explodes, is released, with a cry and a shudder. His skin is loaded with colors, the sight behind his lids so beautifully colorful and vibrant that he falls limp from sheer amazement. His insides are coated with colors, with emotions, with endings and beginnings and promises._

_It's so close… so close. He can taste it. But the object of his affections is just out of reach._

_Because Levi's heart has already been stolen—by his doppelganger. By a mask. By a person that does not exist._

_Levi is in love with Eren Jaeger._

_The boy lying beneath him is a blank page, unnamed. He has never been so jealous of someone, and he almost laughs at the irony._

_Jealousy. That's a feeling. Has he begun, now, to assume an identity?_

* * *

Don't become a tragedy, the way I have.

* * *

"Excuse us!" Armin jolts, but Mikasa remains impassive.

He turns and is startled once again by the proximity of a face that is shoved impossibly close to his. He vaguely recognizes her.

_Hanji. Hanji Zoe._

And if Hanji is here then… Armin peeks behind her and sees Erwin there, ever serious.

"Sorry! But we need to urgently see a dear friend of ours. Could you maybe let us past?"

Armin knows who the two seniors are. He knows who they are looking for. He meekly pulls Mikasa to the side, and once the older pair pass, they follow. It takes a second for Mikasa to move. Her left hand, hidden in her pocket, clenches. Armin hears the sound of paper crinkling, but he does not question it.

* * *

It should be easy.

* * *

_Levi slowly moves his fingers up to caress the boy's face, lingering over the bridge of his nose, the curve of his Cupid's brow, brushing lightly over the fine tips of his eyelashes. He knows of the deception. He willingly stepped within its trap._

_He loves Eren Jaeger._

_The boy before him is nothing but a pale shadow of a person they have both created. For him, he knows the boy would do anything. For Eren, he would do anything._

_So they pretend._

_The boy looks at him, and pretends to be someone he is not. He smiles, and Levi relaxes slightly._

_There._

_He must protect it._

_He must protect the dream that never existed._

* * *

Write over me. Forget. Erase.

* * *

The clock in the hallway blinks 10:50pm when Levi and Eren finally slip out of the house. As the door shuts behind them, Levi is suddenly hyper-aware of the weight hanging by his thigh, hidden from prying eyes by the deep folds of his coat pocket. Eren is turning to look at him, questioningly. But they both know there are no questions to be asked, no more loose ends to tie up. The night is strangely quiet, a landscape of white snow, glittering moonlight, no stars, and jagged shadows.

_It is the end of the world. _

The journey, though short, appears endless as they stand on the doorstep, their breaths creating spiraling, crystalline shapes that float towards the sky.

But nothing is as it appears. Everything has its end.

.

.

Erwin, ever efficient, dialed 911 before they got close enough to identify the heaps that lay, motionless and dusted with snow, beneath the swings. Mikasa is on her knees, reaching for the hand that limply lies on his lap. Armin refuses to think his name, to say his name, to look at his face. He knows that, this time, he has to be strong for Mikasa, to repay her for all the times she had been strong for the both of them. He rests his hands on her shoulders and she cries quietly, shaking, reaching to grip his wrists tightly. Hanji, still smiling slightly, seems unperturbed.

How does she do it?

The strange girl offers no explanation, only chatters away, addressing the snow, the swings, the silence, the dead trees and frosted grass.

She knows that the people they wish to speak to aren't there.

Pretending, perhaps, not to care, she says hello, she says goodbye, she prances in joy, before finally turning towards the reality that the other three have still not faced. In a rare moment of preparedness and lack of spontaneity, she pulls out a flower and lays it across an unmoving chest.

Though she smiles and laughs, as if to make up for the memories that have now been tainted, the flower she uses is a red spider lily.

Armin smiles wryly, and almost chuckles darkly with her.

Abandonment, indeed.

* * *

_Fingers intertwined, they sit upon the snowy ground._

**_Finally, _**_Eren thinks._

_Levi seems to silently agree. Eren seats himself upon his lap, and Levi protectively encircles the boy with his arms. It is silent, but shimmering between them is the shared feeling of contentment. Of happiness._

_Of relief._

* * *

If only to be forgotten,

Eren Jaeger


End file.
